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“Lessons Learned from Writing Every Single Day for a Year” Club
Many things can happen in a year. Things move whether we want them to or not; whether we’re ready for them or not. Babies are born, children grow, adults age, and all ages die. The most human clubs of all are birth and death; the two clubs we’re guaranteed to join which bookend life. In between them lies our common struggle, though the specifics differ greatly. … Continue reading “Lessons Learned from Writing Every Single Day for a Year” Club
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“Join the [Life] Club” Club
I’ve written about “Life Clubs” every day for the last 360 days. While some Life Clubs are joined voluntarily (Marriage Club, Motherhood Club, Tattoo Club), others are more like a military draft and you get inducted into the club whether you like it or not (Alcoholic Mother Club, Aunt Died Club, Apartment Got Flooded Club). The guiding principle for all Life Clubs is you join … Continue reading “Join the [Life] Club” Club
Frequently Asked Questions
I found this site because I see hearts everywhere – LITERALLY! I came in search of what it all means or else to connect with humans who are experiencing this [not at all] phenomenon. At the very least you thought you’d find HEARTS. Instead, there are words, words, and more words. (Curses too!) Where are the hearts? I started this blog with the intention of … Continue reading Frequently Asked Questions
41 Days Without Literal Documenation
It occurred to me when searching my blog for information on my life last year (yes, this is occasionally the most efficient method) that I had gone 41 days without documenting my life in 2017 with the exception of my grandmother’s eulogy. A whole January passed and I gasped at how much happened and how much of it exists in the folds of my brain … Continue reading 41 Days Without Literal Documenation
Baba’s Eulogy
My beloved aunt died on November 25th, and two days later I delivered my first eulogy at her funeral. Two months later, on January 25th, my grandmother died, a few weeks after a bad fall, at age 86. Here I was writing the second eulogy in two months. Only this time, I focused more on celebrating her life more than lamenting her death. Here is … Continue reading Baba’s Eulogy
“Mourning Celebrity Deaths” Club
“There have just been so many deaths this year,” I said to my therapist earlier this week as she tried to break me down and understand the root of my paralyzing fear of death. “There are so many deaths every year,” she said, dismissing my statement. “It’s no different.” Reflecting on the year, I’ve considered whether life seemed more intense because it was a leap … Continue reading “Mourning Celebrity Deaths” Club
“Be Here Now” Club
There were just three days left in my 365 writing project and my daughter is home on winter break. My husband, off to work, suggests I put on a movie for her so I can write. He knows I feel the impending heat as I am inches away from typing an imaginary “the end” on a non-traditional manuscript in a category of its own: organically, … Continue reading “Be Here Now” Club
“Happy Tears” Club
I’m a whirlwind of emotion the last few days as my project is rounding up. My ongoing analogy to running a marathon feels more poignant than ever as I pass mile 25.98 and I imagine runners in the last mile operating on another dimension; not unlike the super strength you exhibit when your kid is stuck under a car and you lift it. I’m not … Continue reading “Happy Tears” Club
“Learning to Say ‘So What?'” Club
At today’s therapy session with my brain doctor, she tried to “break me down.” I felt like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting in the scene where Robin Williams, as his therapist, repeats “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault” until he broke down and cried. I didn’t break down and cry because it’s not near the end of the … Continue reading “Learning to Say ‘So What?’” Club
“Learning Relationships From When Harry Met Sally” Club
Last week I watched one of my favorite movies with my son: When Harry Met Sally. My freshman year of college in 1992, as a journalism major, my first feature article assignment needed to be based on research but I don’t remember any other constricting guidelines. I know that this was pre-Internet so a Twitter poll was not an option, neither was posting something to … Continue reading “Learning Relationships From When Harry Met Sally” Club
“Not Fearing Death, Just Not Wanting It” Club
““Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear, Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.” I joke about how this tiny speech from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar is the only thing I ever memorized which … Continue reading “Not Fearing Death, Just Not Wanting It” Club
“2016: FOAD, but Thanks for Everything” Club
Eight is my favorite number, yet 2008 wasn’t so great. I had thyroid surgery in January, broke my knee in February, got audited in April, and lost my job in June. During 2016, another multiple of eight, every member of my immediate family landed in the emergency room, my mother was in the hospital twice, our apartment got flooded, a scary clown craze damaged our … Continue reading “2016: FOAD, but Thanks for Everything” Club
“I Don’t Do Holiday Cards” Club
I don’t do holiday cards. I did once. No, twice. I feel the tug, though, as beautiful cards fill my mailbox. I desperately want to be part of the “Holiday Card” club, but find once again, my perfection paralysis prohibits me from playing at all. I’m chock full of ideas, but they usually involve hand making one of a kind cards, which doesn’t work well … Continue reading “I Don’t Do Holiday Cards” Club
“Starting Anew” Club
With the new year upon us, marking another trip around the sun, collectively and symbolically we give ourselves permission to make a fresh start; renewed promises, redefined goals, refreshed perspectives. Somehow seeing the January 1st date, like a blank page, gives us a boost, the momentum we somehow lack the rest of the year. We can use any day to change our life, change our relationship, … Continue reading “Starting Anew” Club
“I Kept My First Wedding Photos” Club
For years after I got divorced, I didn’t think about the two boxes of wedding photos I left at my ex-husband’s apartment. Last year, a decade after I left the apartment, my Ex moved and asked me if I wanted the photos. One box contains the wedding square-shaped proofs and the other box contains the hand-printed photo album. Instinctively I said I’d take them thinking … Continue reading “I Kept My First Wedding Photos” Club
“It’s Not Always the Worst Case Scenario” Club
Earlier this year I watched a Dr. Oz segment where a psychiatrist suggested coping techniques for those of us who struggle with immediately jumping to Worst Case Scenario explanations. Occasionally I go there too soon, without justified reason and rile myself up unnecessarily. The psychiatrist offered this advice: instead of assuming the worst, think the opposite; assume just as extreme in the best case scenario. … Continue reading “It’s Not Always the Worst Case Scenario” Club
“Tattoo” Club
When I first got my first tattoo I didn’t have the same thoughts about ink as I have now. I was a carefree 20-something feeling slightly rebellious and wanted in on the “tattoo club.” I didn’t consider what my skin adornment would look like when I turn 50-something, 60-something, 70-something, or beyond if I’m lucky. IF you know me you might be surprised to hear my … Continue reading “Tattoo” Club
“Rediscovering Memories” Club
One of the things my ex-husband held hostage after our divorce, was the equivalent of a studio apartment of things we stored in his parents’ basement. I wasn’t interested in the old leather couches or my son’s baby clothes, but there were two small boxes containing some old journals, report cards, greeting cards, and other mementoes. I didn’t remember exactly what was in there, but … Continue reading “Rediscovering Memories” Club
“I’m OK with a B Grade” Club
Throughout my academic life, any grade I brought home shy of a 100 percent on a test or an A on a report card was questioned. My parents didn’t come from the “good job” school and rather were more of the “you performed just as expected” school. If I scored a 99% on an exam, my parents would inquire about the other 1%. Maybe it … Continue reading “I’m OK with a B Grade” Club
“Obsessed with Time” Club
I am betting anyone with gold member status in this club is also a member of the “I Can Guess the Time Accurately Within Five Minutes Club” as well as the “I Don’t Like Crowds and Lines Club“. I’m horribly tortured by the notion of wasted time. I hear the clock as if it’s attached to a megaphone. It ticks louder for me than it does … Continue reading “Obsessed with Time” Club
“Making Resolutions” Club
2016 marked the first time in my life I made a new year’s resolution: to write an autobiographical essay every single day. From January 1st on, I envisioned this project as a tattoo and knew no matter what, I couldn’t stop in the middle. I simply didn’t allow for sentiments like “I want to…I hope to…I plan to…” There was only: “I will…” What I … Continue reading “Making Resolutions” Club
“In Therapy Again” Club
After Sunday’s 8-hour panic attack which wouldn’t leave, I decided it might be time to rendezvous with a therapist once again. Perhaps some meetings and a new cognitive behavioral approach will help me get a firmer grip on my mental health challenges. Here’s what I learned after today’s one hour – and you’re welcome fellow mental health challenged folks of the Internet for the Therapy Pay … Continue reading “In Therapy Again” Club
“I Write Every Day” Club
I’ve compared my daily writing challenge to marathon training, each day closer to completing my metaphoric 26.2-mile run. Today it dawned on me, though, how runners train all year and get to have a grand finale, the main event: the race. On the last day of my writing marathon, I will just have another essay. It won’t be my opus essay. It will simply be … Continue reading “I Write Every Day” Club
“Mental Health Challenges” Club
I have a few mental health challenges. I was born with generalized anxiety disorder which developed into panic disorder. Six years ago, the extreme morning sickness I experienced in my second pregnancy left me with a real condition called HG/PTSD and on top of it I have a mild (ha ha ha) case of hypochondria with a side of OCD which makes it hard to … Continue reading “Mental Health Challenges” Club
“I Ghosted a Friendship” Club
My best friend ghosted our friendship and our life is one of the unsettled rocks I carry in my heart. How can someone who was so close to me for so long just up and vanish? But I’ve done it too. Not as dramatically, but it’s easier to be the one doing the breaking up than the one getting broken up with. The friend I ghosted … Continue reading “I Ghosted a Friendship” Club
“My Best Friend Ghosted our Friendship” Club
In my life, I’ve only had two people really close to me die: my grandfather two years ago and my aunt last week, but I mourn the loss of three. The third one is my best friend from high school and college. She ghosted our friendship and I can confirm it is easier to be the ghost than the ghosted. I’ve done both. My best … Continue reading “My Best Friend Ghosted our Friendship” Club
“Afraid of Happiness” Club
I can easily relate to the phrase, “fear of failure.” As far as fear goes, it might be the most obvious. “Fear of success,” on the other hand, sounds preposterous. I’m a perfectionist who prefixes every Google search with “best.” Success in itself isn’t even a success to me; it is what is expected. I thought success was my programmed (genetic) default. There is nothing scary about success; is there? As … Continue reading “Afraid of Happiness” Club
“My Grandmother Fell” Club
When my cousin called me this morning I was sure she wanted to discuss the Chanukah dinner we were tentatively planning for when my sister comes to town in two weeks. Turns out she was calling to tell my grandmother fell. The home health aid arrived in the morning as scheduled and when my grandmother didn’t answer the door, the aid called the agency, who … Continue reading “My Grandmother Fell” Club
“I’m the Human Version of the Pop-Up Video” Club
I’ve recently realized that I’m the human version of the VH1 pop-up video. This thought dawned on me when I found myself whispering “extra or background information” into my son’s ear in the middle of watching Moana. Talking during a movie, sacrilegious, I know, but I really thought I was adding to his experience, just like a video thought bubble. This blasphemous cinema behavior got … Continue reading “I’m the Human Version of the Pop-Up Video” Club
“I’m a Good Gift-Giver” Club
I’ve always praised myself for being an extraordinary gift giver. From the time I was eight years old, I would save up my birthday and holiday money and use it to buy presents for my parents and sister. I valued the fact that it was MY OWN MONEY I was choosing to use to buy them something rather than myself. A martyr for no reason, … Continue reading “I’m a Good Gift-Giver” Club
“My Daughter is the Only Jew in Her Class” Club
My daughter came home from school the Monday after Thanksgiving to find her classroom delightfully decorated by her teacher, whom she adores. There was a Christmas tree, garlands, stuffed Santas, snowmen, and reindeer, and Christmas gel stickers adorning the windows. “What do you want for Christmas?” was the talk of the day and on our walk home, my daughter admitted she felt “uncomfortable” because no … Continue reading “My Daughter is the Only Jew in Her Class” Club
“My Husband, My Editor” Club
When I decided to write every single day for a year, my husband was my biggest cheerleader even though he was inadvertently forced to take on this project with me. Every single day (usually night; minutes shy of midnight), he reads over my autobiographic essays, searching for typos, inconsistencies, and misguided T.M.I., before I hit the blue PUBLISH button. This project was my Queen Mary … Continue reading “My Husband, My Editor” Club
“Stage Mother” Club
Earlier this year I began watching one of my favorite shows, So You Think You Can Dance and realized they threw a monkey wrench in the traditional format, and in lieu of 18-30-year-olds, this was So You Think You Can Dance: The Next Generation featuring 8-13 years old dancers. Initially, I thought this would be great to watch with my six-year-old daughter who loves to dance, only I … Continue reading “Stage Mother” Club
“I Make Lists” Club
I’ve made lists my whole life and it wasn’t because I mimicked my mother doing it. In fact, my quest for an organized life – from drawers and closets to bills and computer files and photos is a perpetual, organic, never-ending feat. Life is the queen of dispensing out things to add to the “Things to Do List,” and reality is, I have it easy. … Continue reading “I Make Lists” Club
“Not Worth Calling Customer Service” Club
Yesterday I used my new range for the first time. I cut up my onions, garlic, peppers, carrots, had water boiling for pasta, and began to use a second burner to sauté meticulously sliced and diced vegetables. Only I noticed when I turned on the second burner, the first one’s flame decreased by half. When I turned on the third burner, all three flames dwindled. … Continue reading “Not Worth Calling Customer Service” Club
“Measure a Year in Words” Club
If you told someone they would have to write 34 essays in a row, they might seem intimidated. Even a writer might break a sweat, but for me, 34 left seems doable, the almost home stretch. I am at mile 23.9 of a 26.2 marathon. Maybe I’m not relaxing, but I’m thinking beyond just finishing, I’m thinking of the type of finish. Obviously, I’m looking … Continue reading “Measure a Year in Words” Club
“Grieving” Club
Grief is such that it lodges itself in your throat until you either have to swallow hard or cry it out. The problem with the crying route is it is like disengaging a cork which is clogging up a hole in a pipe, and when unplugged, a deluge explodes from within. Once you let one cry out, the others topple out uncontrollably. Crying only makes … Continue reading “Grieving” Club
“I Wore My Funeral Suit” Club
I wore my black Banana Republic funeral suit today. I hate it. I purchased it 14 years ago when I needed a new suit to wear to client meetings for my corporate advertising job. I never wore it beyond the initial hiring interview; it was too conservative for me. It sat in my closet for ten years until I pulled it out as the perfect, … Continue reading “I Wore My Funeral Suit” Club
“Writing a Eulogy” Club
I never wrote a eulogy before but have often thought about it, which doesn’t make me morbid since I have spent equal time pondering my Oscar acceptance speech. Tomorrow we bury my aunt and when they ask if anyone wants to say anything, I will feel the weight of eyes on me, the vocal one, and I will feel compelled to say something but I … Continue reading “Writing a Eulogy” Club
“My Aunt Died” Club
My father had called me at 1:30pm to tell me he was on his way to his sister’s house because the hospice nurse said based on her breathing, it would be a matter of hours. At 4pm he texted me, “she’s gone.” “She’s gone,” I read aloud to my husband who was tiling our kitchen wall, his hands covered in mastic. “Oh, I’m sorry babe,” … Continue reading “My Aunt Died” Club
“I Hate Thanksgiving” Club
Thanksgiving isn’t my favorite holiday. Partly because I’m not a holiday person altogether and partly because family gatherings haven’t been easy since my parents’ divorce 17 years ago and my own divorce 12 years ago. When it comes to my son, even though we’ve had a solid co-parenting schedule for over a decade which predetermines with whom our he spends the holidays, every year has life aberrations. … Continue reading “I Hate Thanksgiving” Club
“Waiting for Death” Club
“I’ll see you tomorrow at 2pm,” my father tells me, “but you never know what can happen. I keep waiting for the phone to ring and for him to tell me she’s dead.” My father is waiting for his sister to die. Her son is waiting for his mother to die. I am waiting for my aunt to die. You know the anticipation and anxiety … Continue reading “Waiting for Death” Club
“Fell in Love” Club
I have several friends going through a divorce and several others floating in murky marriages. I’ve swum through these familiar rivers and felt like I was drowning but have definitely emerged less cynical and more hopeful, lucky to have found love (THE REAL DEAL) the second time around and witnessing the collapse of other marriages, I am grateful for second chances. Marriage has peaks and … Continue reading “Fell in Love” Club
“I Was Obsessed with My Childhood Dentist” Club
As my tooth broke minutes before my son’s debut on stage, I froze in anticipation of the pain which I expected to come shooting through my jaw. Only no ache evolved because of my good fortune that the dental deities were on my side and the piece I chipped off turned out to be a cusp of my top wisdom tooth. My step-mom, who has … Continue reading “I Was Obsessed with My Childhood Dentist” Club
“The Power of an Apology” Club
I was never one to give much weight or validity to an apology no matter how sincere. I am a proud Leo who has always struggled with apology and forgiveness. I work hard to do everything right all the time and my sense of virtue and justice hovers over me as an identifier. I’m aware I have to loosen up in terms of both. In … Continue reading “The Power of an Apology” Club
“Rebranding the Immigrant” Club
When did the word immigrant become synonymous with one kind of immigrant? When did the word immigrant immediately imply radical Islamic terrorist? (Kind of like instead of tissue we say, “Kleenex.”) Why, when America has long been defined as a melting pot, is it now trying to rebrand: “Make American great again“. Let’s bring it back to the days of Leave it to Beaver, and … Continue reading “Rebranding the Immigrant” Club
“I Got Soap in My Eye” Club
Do not trivialize the impact of getting (toxic, all natural, highly potent) soap in your eyes. It may not seem like a blatantly obvious essay topic, but if your eye has ever fallen victim to an unintentionally misdirected assault of soap, you would commiserate. I had meant to do a quick face wash before I drove my daughter to school this morning. I have been … Continue reading “I Got Soap in My Eye” Club
“Queen of Self-Doubt” Club
I’m the type to count my “didn’t do’s” rather than my “do’s.” I’ll faster point out the one item I didn’t cross off the list rather than the dozen I did. I have a pattern of minimizing successes and negating worth. The first month after I launched my 365 writing project, each essay I wrote felt like an arduous attempt; I cut my heart open … Continue reading “Queen of Self-Doubt” Club
“Life is My Writing Prompt” Club
Before I launched my 365-Day writing project, I came up with a 13-page (10 point font, 1.5-spaced) list of ideas. In the early days of the project, this numbered list guided me; I’d even used the strikethrough feature to cross out the topics I wrote about. As the year progressed and the calendar pages flipped faster than the leaves fell off the trees, I couldn’t keep … Continue reading “Life is My Writing Prompt” Club
“I Hate Daylight Saving’s Time” Club
I never appreciated the extent of how awful the idea of Daylight Saving’s Time really is until I had a baby. The authorities on time declare the main purpose of Daylight Saving Time (called “Summer Time” in many places in the world) is to make better use of daylight. I call bullshit on this whole operation. Once I understood the important impact a regularly scheduled … Continue reading “I Hate Daylight Saving’s Time” Club
HeartsEverywhere 