Reflecting on the Holocaust Memorial Museum



The Holocaust altered the course of history and humanity. Destruction, tragedy, annihilation; it was an attempt to bring an entire species to extinction. The Holocaust was an era where the ugliest of humanity was on parade.

But in the darkness of cellars and the dingiest of tents, survivors and heroes emerged. However, their verbal accounts dwindle daily. Projects like Steven Spielberg’s Shoah Foundation are designed to keep their stories alive. Places like the U.S. Holocaust Museum are serve as monuments and tributes.

When I was a senior at NYU, I wrote an article for my magazine article class called “Three Years Later: Survivors Reflect on the Museum.” I had the privilege of interviewing several Holocaust survivors in writing this piece; like stones atop a gravestone, their stories rest on my heart.

The class assignment mandated an attempt at getting the article published. I was successful; it was published in a publication called Together, which was circulated to many Holocaust survivors. Then the article went hiding for 14 years and recently made a surprise appearance from the archives of my father’s Staten Island garage. Aside from the reference to how long the museum had been open and the assassination of the Israeli Prime Minister, the article is still relevant and accurate.

So here is a blast from college writing past:

Three Years Later, Survivors Reflect on the Museum
By Galina Nemirovsky
December 1995

The steel doors are framed by thick bolts and when they slam shut with a loud thud, everyone in the elevator gasps for air. The passengers fall silent as we ascend. Anticipating something brutal, I plant my feet firmly on the floor; if I brace myself, maybe it will lessen the shock.

Suddenly a back and white image flickers to life on the television monitor above my head. I look up to see stock footage of a World War II solider standing in front of a liberated concentration camp 50 years ago. He gives the warning: what he saw – and what I am about to see, is like nothing I have ever seen in my life.

The elevator doors open on the permanent exhibition of the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum. The display winds its way down – not unlike Dante’s Inferno. I walk through the stories of hell told by those who lived through it.

Like every visitor, upon entry I am given a “passport” that I will carry throughout my visit. It is an identification card with the photograph and life story of someone who lived through the Holocaust. The victim – or survivor – may have been your age, they may have looked like you, or perhaps, like in my case, they shared your name. I was given the life story of Gisha Galina Bursztyn, born in Pultusk, Poland in 1877. She married a baker and bore eight children; she will serve as my silent guide through the museum.

The U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum will be commemorating its third anniversary this April. So far, over five million visitors have toured the museum with their own passport guides; they have come here to bear witness – “for the dead and the living.”

Although the initial publicity around the museum’s opening has died down, the museum’s focus on remembrance and contemplation requires it to remain in the public eye to fulfill its mission. More than just a collection of artifacts or the preservation of history, it was intended as an educational instrument. It is not enough to be a national memorial to the 12 million murdered if the lessons of history it imparts are not learned.

We live in an era when the term Nazi is being trivialized by overuse and an Israeli Prime minister is mocked as an SS trouper by right-wingers just before he is assassinated. Although the museum estimates 75 percent of the visitors to be non-Jewish, the museum’s educational mission is now more urgent than ever.

The museum’s permanent exhibit takes you through the story of the Jews targeted for annihilation in a systematic state-sponsored genocide. It also documents the fate of other Nazi victims: Gypsies, homosexuals, people with disabilities, Jehovah’s Witnesses, political and religions dissidents and Soviet Prisoners of War. Throughout the museum, artifacts, oral histories, documentaries, and photographs tell the story of the Holocaust, from the Nazi rise to power to the “final solution.”

~

In the death camps – and on their way to the gas chambers, the victims were forced into isolation from their entire world. It was their last wish that the world know what they went through. A direct verbal account is the only way that the truth – and the accuracy of the terror – can be conveyed.

Nesse Godin, a Holocaust survivor, remembers:

“’Maybe you young girls will survive,’ they told us. ‘Promise us you will make them remember. Don’t let them forget. Zieg der verld (Tell the world)’, they cried.”

Godin was 13 in June 1941 when Germans marched into Lithuania. Soldiers rounded up Jewish men and boys to “clean up war damage.” They were taken from their native town of Siauliai and taken deep into the forest. There they were ordered to strip under gunpoint. Then they were forced to dig their own graves. Finally they were shot. Farmers nearby said that the ground shook from the sound of bullets and falling bodies. The rest of the Jews were herded into a few blocks and that became the Siauliai Ghetto. In 1944, the Ghetto was emptied. Godin survived several labor camps and a forced march. In 1945, she was liberated by the advancing Soviet army. She was 17 years old.

“What kind of criminal was I? I was one of the lucky ones; I survived. So when I look at the people at the museum, I remember the cries of 'Zieg der verld’ and I see the world,” says Godin, 67, a museum volunteer. We need this museum. It preserves history and it teaches. Being memorialized is not enough. We cannot bring back the dead.”

~

Death preoccupies my thoughts as I stare at the blue-and-white striped prisoner uniforms hanging limply in a two-story column in front of me. They are frayed, torn, tattered, missing buttons. I recognize this uniform on thousands of emaciated bodies in the black and white photographs surrounding me. I see a gray-haired, short man two feet away from me; he has a tear rolling down his face. I wonder if he wore one of those uniforms. The air feels thicker; each breath is harder to take.

Alfred Lipson was a teenager when he wore those uniforms in Auschwitz and Dachau. Today he is the director of The Holocaust Resource Center and the Archives of Queens College and a strong believer in the power of the Museum. He is also the director of Together, a newspaper put out by The American Gathering of Jewish Holocaust Survivors.

“The Museum is not for us [Jewish people] – it is for everyone else. It is for young people. Some survivors will complain. They want their little town shown on the huge map of the world. But there were too many little towns. The Museum is for the teachers and their students. They will learn from it and go on to want to learn more about the Holocaust. I am very happy that 80 percent of the Museum’s visitors have been non-Jewish. It has been more successful than we ever hoped. If the memory is not retained, it will happen again.”

Before the Holocaust, there were nine million Jews in Continental Europe; within a dozen years, two-thirds of European Jews had perished. You watch the video footage from the television monitors above and stare deeply into the eyes of the Holocaust victims who are captured on the black and white film. All the eyes convey signals of death; even the faintest glimmer of life was quickly shattered by a Nazi’s boot.

I gaze at the display of a Nazi uniform. The brown assaults my eyes, but what sears all my senses are the red armbands with their piercing black swastikas. I picture that uniform from the view of a concentration camp victim who’s lying on the floor being stomped on by those tall, black, powerful boots.

I am just a visitor to the museum and will probably never understand. Not even the most imaginative description of the Holocaust can truly reflect the horror and the carefully planned savagery. No account can re-enact the emotions of the victims – and the survivors. And still, even survivors who emphasize the inability of any narrative to fully portray their suffering, even they want the story to be told.

~

Ann Shore is the President of the Hidden Child Foundation, an organization within the Anti-Defamation League. Children who hid their Jewish identities to survive the war comprise this 6,000-member organization. Shore was 12 years old in 1942 when the police in Zabno stuck a gun to her and asked her where her father was. She told them she didn’t know. They ran to the basement, where he was hiding, and shot him dead. Shore, her mother, and sister fled to a farming village and hid in a small farm until the end of the war.

“The museum is very meaningful to the Holocaust survivors,” Shore says. “We feel deeply moved by it because it’s our lives they’re showing. But the museum is not for us. We are the story. The museum transcends the story.”

“The museum has heightened awareness of millions of people,” Shore says. “For many people, the Holocaust is an ancient historical event. By going to the museum, you realize it happened in this century. The museum adds another dimension to people's lives –its such a powerful message to the world. After leaving, the awareness you have gained will contribute to the mosaic of who you are.”

~

A glass bridge connects one floor of the museum to another. The glass that surrounds me is etched with names of Holocaust victims, as well as entire towns and cities that were obliterated. This is the only section of the exhibit that allows you to see outside light. You can also see the bare metal infrastructure that holds up the suspended corridors with the ominous steel bolts. From this angle I can see one of the towers of the museum; it resembles the smokestack of a crematorium. The walls of my mind feel like they are closing in on me.

“Some people say the museum is too claustrophobic,” Godin says. “But that is done purposely. They want you to feel right away what it’s like at the camp; we didn’t know where to go. It was crowded.”

I come to a three-story tower of the photographs taken between the years 1890-1941 in Eishishok, a small town in what is now Lithuania. While alone the photographs are of individuals, together they depict a vibrant Jewish community, which existed for 900 years. In 1941, an SS mobile killing squad entered the village – and within two days they massacred the entire Jewish population.

I stare into the eyes of these people and for the first time in a long while, I see life.

There is a family photo – everyone is smiling; the father seems proud. Their table is adorned by rolls and wines and smiles; a depiction of life before the war. A mother and her young son sit on a hammock together. Two grandmothers are photographed wearing polka-dotted dresses and holding canvas bags. Another pictures reveals twin sisters with matching bows in their hair.

The installation is called the Yaffa Eliach Shtetl Collection. A shtetl was one of the Jewish communities in Eastern Europe before the war. These pictures were collected by Professor Yaffa Eliach. She wanted to bring this one town, where she spent her early childhood years, back to life.

She was four years old when the killing began. “I realized that Jews died a double death,” Eliach says. “The first was the horrible murder by the Nazis and the second was that their memory was being obliterated. I wanted to rescue this one town from oblivion. I was determined that these Jews would not be remembered only as victims. When I stood on the massive grave in Eishishok, I saw it not as skulls and bones but as people begging to be remembered the way they were.”

Eliach’s exhibit in the museum aims to give the murdered people back their faces and their identities. “I want people to go away from the museum and think. Not just about the emotional reaction, but I want them to think about preserving democracy and what happens when democracy fails. I want people to make a commitment to safeguard democracy. I want them to walk out to the streets of Washington with a message, with knowledge, and hopefully, encouraged to think.”

As the exhibition continues, I get an update on your passport guide. I learn that Mrs. Bursztyn was living in Warsaw when Germany invaded Poland in 1939. Mrs. Bursztyn was now forced to live inside the Warsaw Ghetto. In April 1942, her husband was killed. There months later, she was rousted from her bunker, marched several blocks to an assembly point and herded onto a boxcar.

As I walk on replicated ghetto cobblestones, I imagine Mrs. Bursztyn walking with her children here.

I come upon a railroad car that has the stench of hell. As I walk through the boxcar it smells like what I’d expect death to smell like. They used to pile 100 people in here and yet I feel cramped alone. There are two tiny slots on either side of the car that function as air holes. There are scratch marks on the wooden walls. I envision people trying to crawl their way out and get claustrophobic.

I enter another room that is filled with shoes from wall to wall. They are from the victims of the Majdanek Concentration Camp hear Lubin, Poland. This room is specially ventilated; it is colder. A chill goes down my back as I inhale the smell of withered leather. I look around at a thousands shades of gray and brown that used to be a rainbow of colors. I spot a set of children’s shoes and imagine they were pink. I see a tattered leather bow and can’t imagine the tiny foot the shoe was meant to fit. I envision a little girl … and quickly stop the image.

~

When the museum opened in April 1993, the ones who lived through the horror could finally tell their stories to the world.

“We are the last survivors to tell our story and you are the last ones to hear it,” Shore says. “Just remember that so much more is gained by love than by hate. Because hate can become self destructive.”

The museum’s concerted effort is to educate children. Godin speaks to students in inner city schools in Washington D.C. She tells them:

“You wonderful people, look at each other. Don’t see a religion or a color. See a person. be a little kinder, be a better human being. Treat each other a little better. Learn to tolerate each other and live.”

My final stop is the Hall of Remembrance, a hexagon-shaped, well-lit chamber on the first floor.

I light seven candles, one for each of the six million Jews annihilated and – and one for Mrs. Burszytn, who was gassed in Treblinka Extermination camp in 1942. I hope I can preserve the legacy. We must shoulder the burden of never letting this happen again.

I Heart Tulum



We wanted a serene, deserted, untouristy, unpopulated, local paradise. We wanted silky golden sand, azure waters and peace. Buck-fifty beers were preferred, but not required. We wanted a thousands part nature to one part people. We found the whole enchilada in Tulum, Mexico.

Two hours south of Cancun exists this perfect beach town – it’s like a photo shoot at every angle; nature provides the backdrop and the props. Tulum is the anti-thesis to Cancun. Less Americanized and empty of monster resorts. It is tranquility – with a delicious local flavor.

Tulum Beach sits like a sole comma in a dictionary of words – a speck of beach perfection at the tip of a larger, more flawed country. I, was too blinded by sunshine, however to see any of its flaws. Vacation weather served up just like I ordered it. Stretches of sand like baby powder was a welcome refuge for my tense body. Like a foam mattress, it formed a welcome mat below me. The waves were strong but friendly; their crashing provided the constant acoustical background for the singing birds. The Caribbean itself is like a lava lamp of evolving blue; a painting an where an artist deliberately used every shade of blue to create aquatic opulence. This is dream beach stock photo 101.

In Tulum you could stay on the beach, usually in an environmentally friendly cabana or you can stay closer to the quaint town. With the on-the beach benefits, come vacation challenges the likes of electricity and running water after midnight. Closer to town, many of the boutique hotels offer WiFi, a pool, modern rooms and succulent cuisine. The local cuisine is exceptionally fresh; the general rule was the smaller and more local the place, the better the food. (This pattern was consistent enough for a rule declaration.)

We stayed at the Teetotum. Ultra modern with a flair for the au natural, the Teetotum had a top-notch restaurant, a plunge pool, Internet access, rooftop movies – and it was directly on the road to the beach.

But before we had the perfect vacation, we had some troubles that would make us appreciate the rest of our time. Luckily, by the time we arrived at the hotel we had completed the majority of our dramatic confrontations with the people, cars and roads of Mexico.

Part 1: Shit, it’s a stick!

We rented an Alamo car through Priceline. $10 a day and what’s better than that? Well – turns out I didn’t notice that boldly written, not-so-fine-print, that formalized the rental of a car with manual transmission. Oops; neither I nor my boyfriend drive shift style.

Can we please have an automatic please? Nope; all out – big vacation week. That’s OK – there were half a dozen competitors – we set out on an automatic rental car in Mexico search.

Under the 85 degree heat, we wandered the airport periphery shelping our luggage, slowly peeling off layers of clothing. Unsuccessful in our pursuit, we were back at Alamo by the time I was down to my shorts and tank top. My boyfriend said he drove cross-country in a stick once; he said it would come back to him.

Part 2: I blame the Hyundai windshield wiper incident of 1989.

We get the car. The 70-something man in a blue Alamo polo shirt shows us how to shift the stick. He mumbles in incomprehensible Spanish. I make a mini video to reference later when we’re stuck. We load the car with our luggage, our outer layers, snacks – we get comfy. The boyfriend tests the wipers. They’re dead, Jim.

I have a quick flashback to one thunder-storming afternoon when my father used his manual-transmission Hyundai junk car to pick me up from school. The wipers broke and he had to create a MacGyver contraption with rubber bands to get the wipers going every few minutes.

The windshield would deluge with rain, he’d roll down the window with the manual crank, all while doing the clutch business – and then he’d follow up with the yank movement causing the rubber bands to move the wipers and splash the rain off the windshield in a gush. By the time we got home, my father’s arm was thoroughly drenched – so were my pants. The rain, my father’s dramatic movements; it was an Elaine dance from Seinfeld and we were living out in the blue Hyundai.

We weren’t risking that kind of debacle; it was bad enough in Staten Island. We get a new car; an identical shitty generic white hatchback and move all our shit from car # 1 to car # 2. The leather satchel-type thingy around the shifter is all ripped up and to get it to go into reverse, you have to do a magic movement and say a silent prayer. It only worked about 75% of the time.

Part 3: On the road to back again.

The boyfriend figures out how to get us moving. Ten minutes on Highway Mexico and he asks for his digital camera from the backseat. I don’t see it. We must have left it in wiper-less car # 1. We u-turn, stall, and go back to Alamo.

Part 4: I’m holding it hostage.

We arrive back to the Alamo and we’re thrice pissed. We start playing hide and go seek with the camera. We looked in car backseats, garbage cans, in the bushes. We searched our luggage and every trunk on the lot. We become Columbo mini-sleuths and interrogate the workers; none of whom understand anything we’re saying. We ask the manager to call the police. He ignores us.

The boyfriend gets angry and slightly vindictive. Like an animal, he starts to pace around the cage-like Alamo garage for something. I thought he was looking for his camera; turns out he was looking for collateral. He found that in the form of a laptop.

The manager decides this seizure of property warrants a call to la policia. “Good,” my boyfriend said. “That’s what I asked you to do in the first place.

Part 5: Mexican Patrol.

La Policia de Mexico was utterly useless. They pretend to interview some of the workers – but are clearly making fiesta plans. They threaten to arrest us if we don’t return the laptop. (Aren’t we the victims here? Isn’t it all just an eye for an eye: the laptop for a camera version?) I didn’t want to spend the rest of my vacation in a Mexican Alamo or a jail cell. The boyfriend sneakily returns the laptop.

I get the manager’s business card, put it in my pocket and forget about it until it is shreds of paper in the dryer a week later.

Part 6: One camera down and now it gets better.

We’re staggering and then we’re coasting on our way to Paradise. We reach Tulum, the city, but don’t have specific directions to our hotel. We need the seizure every time it reverses car to make a U-Turn on the Mexican Highway. I take a deep breath and hear the now familiar cough-like spastic sound.

Part 7: On the road again.

The U-turn isn’t complete. The car fails us at the clutch moment: the reverse! We ask for it go back – and it decides it’s opposite day. It rolls forward into the rocks and shrubbery gutter of the highway. We’re at a 45 degree slant, head first, into rockery. At this point I’m laughing a lot; this is how I handle such stresses. My boyfriend says “Oh shit!”

He wants to get out of the car and push us back up. He wants me to shift us back into reverse. No way. This car only goes forward. I envision him standing in front of the car and me shifting into first and rolling right over him. No thank you – can I have another [option]?

Within 60 seconds two heroic amigos pull over. Mexican men jump out and risk their lives (they didn’t know the evil car yet) to help us. One guy jumps in and tries to shift the car. He quickly realizes we’re working with faulty mechanics. He goes to the front of the car and begins to search for massive rocks to use as leverage to get our buried car unstuck.

Suddenly I look up and there are two more cars on the makeshift shoulder. Within five minutes, there are 9 Mexican cars emptied of men and women working together to yank our white hatchback from the ditches of the new Tulum highway.

At its height, the effort was pure human camaraderie – but also pure urban comedy. My boyfriend had to get back in the car to shift. The 9 Mexicans in front of us, they heaved the car up out of the rocks and back onto the highway. At one point a woman was yanking the car by my open window. I kept saying gracias and “we don’t have don’t have stick shifts in Manhattan.”

We were lifted and pointed right side up in seconds. Shifting into first, we were on our way to the beach; a dozen locals waving adios in our rear view mirror.

PICTURES:


Couldn't think of a better view for chin-ups.


Floating on Tulum Beach.


Like they were just coming from the photo shoot.


Nature's props.


My nails are painted Tulum Blue -- they sit on pink coral.


The plunge pool at the Teetotum.


There was a heart on the road to the beach.


Iguana overlooking the Tulum ruins and the beach.


One day we went to Playa del Carmen. I did not like it, but we did find a resort on the beach ready for some city resort crashers. The view was primo.


Me - in the sand, naturally.

Addicted to KenKen



I always thought I was a verbal mind. But the SATs proved me wrong 20 years ago; I scored 100 points higher in math. WHAT? HOW? I had stopped math after the required geometry.

Nonetheless - I have always enjoyed number-related puzzles rather than verbal ones like crossword puzzles. With numbers I always thought I had the power to figure it out eventually; a proven answer!

I jumped on the Sudoku bandwagon a few years ago, but lost interest quickly aside from the boring train rides where I'm stuck with an amNY that I read in 5 minutes.

Recently the amNY and the New York Times have introduced a new puzzle: KenKen. Invented by Japanese math teacher, Tetsuya Miyamoto, KENKEN® allows you to test your puzzle acumen and improve your math skills at the same time. It's a puzzle that promises to make me SMARTER. I figure I hate regular exercise, but I can use some brain flexing ... especially now that I'm unemployed (again).

I am proud to say that I am now addicted. Here's a quick video of the New York Times' Will Shortz giving a demo of How To KenKen:

Raindrops on Tulips ...



Yesterday I spent the day in Central Park with the family and I took a million pictures of the flowers blooming in the Conservatory Garden.

My sister told me that you can take the best pictures in the rain. So today, while waiting for my son at the bus, I captured nature's droplets on the city petals.











PS: Normally this weather would have me gloomy con carne - but today, no raindrop was keeping me down...

A Decade After Columbine



Ten years ago Americans sat in disbelief, outrage and disgust around their TV sets as a high school in a town called Columbine was massacred – by two of their own. Dead were 12 students and a teacher; physically wounded were 23.

The nation witnessed the massive murder suicide, the fourth-deadliest in our country’s history (it was the third then, but since then we’ve had the Virginia Tech massacre). Colorado seemed as far as Japan; the heinous acts seemed outrageous. United, we were angry and scared; if the children are our future – where are we heading?

Ten years later I watch interviews with the survivors. Young adults who turned tragedy into triumph and opportunity. A reminder in the strength of humanity and the power of time as a healer.

(Read more about the 10th anniversary and see some great photos here.)


Columbine High School Memorial


An etching on the memorial ...

Flutter: Like Twitter ...
... Only Shorter

I'm a big Twitter fan.

I know that most of the world doesn't care if I'm getting coffee, picking my son up from school, or ranting about my boss. But I do like to shout out my latest blog posts to anyone who will give a click. I also like to do the massive re-read. Recently I went back through my 685 attempts at micro-blogging my life moments. Strung together, they formed the story of my life during that period. Reading them diary-style, I felt like I was clicking through a written, yet virtual viewmaster of my memories. I was transported, reminded, entertained and inspired.

With that, I applaud Flutter: The New Twitter. Presented by Slate V, this mockumentary is about a company that wants to take microblogging to the next level.

The Camera as a Model

On our recent flight back from Tulum, I had a few minutes at the airport with my boyfriend's camera. Finally the camera and I switched places.

Canon is the official camera of our family.











This picture sums up the moment for me. The light from the windows at the airport created a streaky blurry lens effect and it fit the weathered, heavily traveled camera.

Unemployment: Day One




Last night was awesome – I celebrated my first night of unemployment. (Again.)

The bf and I went to this awesome art opening of Michael Albert at the Gershwin Hotel. His art is like pop music – engaging, fun and approachable. It’s colorful and clever and he just published his first book. He’s also been doing a tremendous amount of education outreach, inspiring and teaching children how to collage.

Then we had cheap falafel and saw Adventureland. (Enjoyable but the pacing of Superbad was much better. I also kept calling Jesse Eisenberg, the star, by saying that his sister was Haley Joel Osment, who I really saw in my head and I who I really meant was: Hallie Eisenberg, the dimpled, curly-haired girl from the Pepsi commercials. He looks so much like her and his performance was tremendous, by the way. )

This morning there was sunshine and I feel life’s high, like a cloud below me, as I sit with my laptop in Madison Square Park.

I told my dad, he said “Congratulations! Now I have two daughters on unemployment.” I said I was sorry. He said not to be; he hated hearing me cry. I told him I just had the small issue of money, that’s all. He said it was a big issue – in fact one of the biggest. I disagreed. I said if I don’t have health, the money isn’t going to help me. He agreed.

I told my mom, she said “Oy, now me and my two daughters are on unemployment.” Then she vocalized her secret fantasy of the three of us, unemployed, living in her Staten Island townhouse.

My sister said “Yay, now we can rollerblade in the park together. Just in time for the good weather.”

I won’t miss the dreaded work neighborhood, even though for three months it inspired my photojournalistic lunchtime sprawls.

Creating the Life I Want: Take Two



So it looks like I did it again. I was 33 when I got fired for the first time; 34 when I got fired for the second time. Apparently life is giving me a second chance; Take two on creating the life I’m meant to live. A life of happiness. Happiness is like a drug; once you get a taste of it – you want it all the time. How biologically satiating.

When I got fired last year, it was unjust but welcome. It was unfair; I was bitter but not angry. Like a newborn baby, I took a deep breath and felt life for the first time in a long time. Things came into focus, fears became assuaged. I felt courage and tried to create dreams to strive for – but I ran out of money.

Dreams didn’t pay my rent, nor did the good comments on my writing – on my blog or elsewhere. My 6-year-old needed birthday presents – not to mention milk. Reality slapped me into getting a corporate job. I called it the year of the circle. I was going back to where I worked 8 years ago; to a job I didn’t love; to a boss I didn’t admire. I was going the wrong way on a one-way highway and like on a circular endless track, I couldn’t get off. But the job deposited paper into my account every two weeks. I then gave the paper to other people who gave me food and electricity. I was stuck in a cycle of transferring paper and crying.

It was the wrong job. The wrong responsibilities. The wrong boss. I had just learned how to be unemployed and now I was employed again. My projects went on the backburner – along with my relationships, my health, my happiness. My mind was stuck, as if frozen by medusa’s glance, and I was paralyzed from moving forward.

My creative passions and energy were spent convincing myself that it wasn’t so bad, convincing myself that I was lucky to have a job. But I felt too sick to appreciate it. It felt like a battle of money versus time. I just kept foreshadowing my death and thinking I can’t imagine wishing I had more money – but I sure wish I had 20 more minutes. Having the choice of the life I lived, I will always put sunshine, feeling good and love – before money. I will always put my family before the growth of someone else’s business.

Three months into my new job I had a review. My boss went over some concerns but said I was too hard on myself and don’t worry, you’re doing a good job. I quote directly. I requested vacation. She had just hired a new VP to be my boss. I thought this would be a good thing. Not so much.

I took a 5-day vacation and came home to work emails that showed me that the new VP was redoing much of what I set up to do in the next few months. She re-orchestrated it and well – apparently I was no longer needed. I knew it that morning. I had told my boyfriend and my sister. I felt it in the energy and as soon as I walked in that morning. (And now do you believe I don’t like being right all the time.)

I think she read my stuff; my big mouth explosions all over Twitter, my Meeting Poetry of her psychologically tormenting meetings, the famous post outside my blog. Funny – I never did mention any names or the company where I worked. Ironically – or not so much so – she started “following” me just in time for my morning Twitter: "Good morning sunshine. Good morning freedom. Life's clapboard says Take-2 on creating the life 4 ME. I have shed my skin of the evil beast!"

Firing me was the only thing she could do to show me her teeth; raise the moat to her castle and make sure I’m on the outside – not contaminating her version of the world. I also think she thought she was letting the lion out of the cage; clearly she was not the ringleader that could make me respond with a whip.

I held onto my truth for as long as I could there. I didn’t want to become another one of her soldiers. Another shuddering 20-something girl in her office that only succeeds if she speaks and writes like her. That only succeeds if she does well with her teaching. I’m definitely not a color you find in a standard crayon box … I don’t even fit into one of the boxes with the built in sharpeners.

Who knows which of these actions set the bigger action into motion? Who knows what pushed the final domino; I’m just enjoying the pleasure that comes with the pattern that the fallen dominoes create.

The whole thing lasted 3 minutes. She said it was hard for her. She said she didn’t think I would be able to meet the responsibilities of the job. She said today would be my last day. Here’s some paperwork (I knew this part). I realized I was working for the same woman, 20 years apart. Then she walked out and her assistant came in to give me more paperwork. She made me sign a sheet that was a list of all the paperwork she was giving me. I took the paperwork and went to my desk to pack up. The assistant had to watch me. She offered me plastic bags. I told her I cleaned out any personal files from the computer and I left all the emails. I left my files but took my personal notebooks. I didn’t take one office pen, but I did take a stack of Broadway posters they were discarding anyway. The whole thing took 22 minutes; I know because I was on the phone with my boyfriend the whole time so the phone recorded it.

I walked out of the building with two plastic bags holding 3 kinds of boots from under my desk and a pair of flip-flops. I took my 3 steno notebooks and the 3 pieces of my son’s art from the walls. I took the mouse pad a vendor gave me right before I went on vacation; it had a picture of Zihuatanejo on it. It inspired me to book our trip to Mexico.

I waited on the 34th street train platform for the C train for over 20 minutes; four E trains but no C. Finally I got on the E train. I saw it as an omen – it may not be the train I was waiting for – but it will still get me there, it just may require a transfer.

My thoughts were like the semi-buried roots of an old tree; they were wrestling each other to spill out towards sunshine. 5 days of vacation had fixed me a little. I was feeling better, had more energy, the joie de vivre had returned to my step. The me was beginning to set back in – and now I was freed.

A second firing – almost on the one-year anniversary of my first one. I guess this will looks shitty on my resume – but that’s about it. For all the tragedies in the world – if that’s the one I have to walk away with, I say Amen.

Scenes from the Commute


C train at 96th Street


Just in case ...



C Train to 34th Street


M96 Bus

Where Did You Meet?




"Where did you meet?"

When you're in a relationship for a long time, you hear this question a lot. When this relationship is also seemingly successful, inquiring minds are often pulling for the ‘once upon a time' of your story.

My boyfriend and I have been together over 4 years. We recite the story similarly when we’re apart, but when we’re together, he always tags me. "I like the way you tell it," he says. I romanticize - and he’s a hopeless romantic. It fits.

This is how I tell the story.

I start by saying “we met at a birthday party.” Then I pause for effect.

“A children’s birthday party.”

Then I begin with the details of the actual meet.

My almost 3-year-old son was invited to his first Manhattan birthday party. I stress the Manhattan aspect because children’s birthday parties here are unlike any normal place on earth. Nonetheless, he was invited to the Upper West Side apartment - and we went.

I got to the apartment and was the only one who came without a spouse; this was not the norm – but this was an intimate gathering. I was about a decade younger than anyone there. I made small talk with the ‘adults’ but felt vastly out of place. I played on the floor with the kids.

Chatter started of the impending arrival of Looney Lenny.

Thank goodness – someone crazier than me to liven things up. I thought Looney Lenny must be the crazy uncle or something.

This was before I got familiar with the birthday party circuit. Before I discovered that Looney Lenny (THE CLOWN) was Elvis to these kids. Before I learned that he has visited sick kids in hospitals twice a week for the last 10 years. Before I realized that Looney Lenny was just an alter ego for a dynamic artist; he was just a small character of the man that epitomizes happiness. This was before I knew all that.

When he arrived, the clown was frazzled; he was about half an hour late.

In retrospect, I may have seemed a bit forward, but I assaulted the clown as soon as he came in.

“So YOU’RE Looney Lenny!” I started in. “I thought you were the crazy uncle.”

I don’t remember what he said; most likely I didn’t give him a second to answer.

The party hostess was eager to have him begin the show; the kids were rowdy with anticipation. Looney Lenny said he needed nothing other than a chair. He set his over-sized navy blue backpack on the fancy dining room chair in the front of the living room. The children formed a half circle audience on the floor.

I warned the clown to not be offended because my kid, pointing to the boy playing with books in the corner, would have no interest in a clown. “He’s a nerd,” I told him. “But I’ll watch.”

And I watched.

I sat front and center and was engaged, enthralled and entertained. The clown made magic for the kids and the adults. Under the guise of a purple hat, rainbow suspenders and a painted on red nose he captivated young and old.

Our eyes locked on several occasions; I remember the look clearly. It’s the same look I get now – when he sees me – and stops to look into my eyes. His face awakens and his eyes seem to pose into the perfect look; like a scene in a movie where they have a long hold over the man looking at the woman.

After the 45 minute show was over, Looney Lenny lingered. I remember asking him how he did this weekend after weekend. The children were clinging to him like he was a preschool Jonas Miley Hannah creature. We made small talk. We sang happy birthday to the birthday girl, who I had never seen before that day. We got our goody bags and left. He left at the same time as me. I left the same time as him.

And this is where it gets very When Harry Met Sally.

It was a cold February. We were on 89th Street; I lived on 62nd Street. There were some avenues too. He walked me home the whole way.

Our noses were dripping and my son was running in front of us, around us. He was dressed as a clown the whole way we walked down Broadway. I didn’t notice.

We chatted – friendly, platonic. But as we spoke, there was a familiarity we both felt. There was no lightning but there was warmth; there was chemistry. It was a mix of excitement and comfort. I knew I was going to know him, but I didn’t know how or why.

It was like we had known about each other and were finally meeting.

We both went to NYU – but didn’t know each other then. We also both lived on 27th Street, the same place he lives now – but never ran into each other.

When we reached LaGuardia High School, we were a block from my house. He was going to get on the bus. We lingered for another hour. He gave me a heart balloon and told me it would mostly likely deflate tomorrow. It lasted 6 months; way after I had moved out of my debilitating marriage.

We exchanged many emails before we decided to meet for lunch – as friends. He invited me to his studio. In one of the emails, he said “are you ready to meet the man behind the clown?” But I think I always saw him.

Whenever I think about difficult times in life. Whenever I’m at a stand still, in a painful transition or in chaos. Whenever it seems like I just can’t – not one more thing. Not one more minute. Not one more drop of strength left in me. I think back to the day I met Andrew.

I was in no place to get involved with someone. I wanted the opposite. But there was a magnetism; there was magic. It was one day – but it changed the course of my life.

Any one day can shift your life’s gears. Any one moment. Any one person. These transforming moments happen – but it’s up to us to recognize them.

In retrospect they always seem much clearer, these moments, like plot points on a line graph of our lives.

A Modern Urban Sunday Afternoon



Sunday afternoon was a quintessential spring day in New York City. 61 degrees and the sky was as blue as the Caribbean I’m dreaming about (and will feel on my feet in 3 days). But somehow my 7-year-old son and I couldn’t motivate out of our pajamas.

By 3:00pm the guilt was killing me. I had to take this boy outside. Heck, I had to take myself outside. The sunshine is a mood enhancing elixir and I needed to get me some.

The boy says “It’s too hot out.”

I say, “Are you just feeling lazy?” (I was.)

“Yeah,” he says. “This is what I like to do on the weekends.”

By this he meant a combination of TV, computer and Lego – building and battling. Sometimes he mixes all three. Throw in some French toast for breakfast, Mac & Cheese for lunch and the boy is feeling Life is as good as it gets.

And it is.

I say, “Lets check out the weather by going on the balcony.” I point to the fire escape.

Sure there’s a wrought iron “fence” and an iron staircase going up in the middle of a concrete stab. But it’s our little outdoor real estate in uptown Manhattan. One block to the west is Central Park.

The boy and I go out onto the fire escape and it’s gorgeous. Cars and people stream past below us. “Do you want to bring your Legos out here and have a battle and I’ll write it down?”

“Oh yeah!” He’s excited.

“We can people watch,” I say.

He’s one step ahead of me, waving to those below, shouting, “Hello” to everyone who passes. He looks down and considers throwing down pebbles.

I put velvet pillows on the concrete and the computer in my lap. iTunes plays up a modern urban shuffle; the sun shines on our backs.

The boy and I are perched a flight above Manhattan. I transcribe his stories and take notes for my own.

This is as good as it gets.

I'm Beach-Bound



I'm much over-due for a vacation.

Traveling is core to my existence. I have an extreme case of wanderlust and it's been itching for a long time. A new job doesn't help.

Wednesday I'm flying here:






And here's what the forecast looks like: